i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
