Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
