just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
