I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
