Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
