I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
