Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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