There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
