when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
