i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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