Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
