I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
