R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
