I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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