I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Blood and glitter go together right?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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