I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
