I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
