i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
