I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
