You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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