mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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