You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
