I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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