I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I wish there were birth control emojis
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
