I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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