please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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