I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
