You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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