I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
