i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
