I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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