i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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