I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize