Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
