We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
