I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
