i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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