Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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