I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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