i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
