Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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