i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
