Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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