Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
