I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
ttyl tear gas
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize