It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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