I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
