I wish my penis had an off switch
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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