you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
