i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
