I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
