Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I use my feet as sexual weapons
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
