I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
