so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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