If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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