I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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