god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
