First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
