I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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