just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
