Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I need to stop coming to work sober
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
