Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
