I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You dont lie about slip and slides
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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