Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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