the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
