My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
