loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
