My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
