I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
