My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Terrible idea I love it
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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