Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
