I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
